Full of Stars

Alone is no longer a word I understand the way I used to.
It has no solo in my symphony of life,
just a short bridge written in the song to make it sound right.
And I am no better at choosing who to love than I was before.
I often find myself malfunctioning from infactuation,
running to yet another portrait of impostering love
only to lose my brakes with no way of stopping this accident from happening
You are my crash that the insurance wouldn’t cover,
that totaled my only way of escape,
that shattered my peace of mind, broke my heart, and fractured my soul.
You are that ugly little spot on my record,
the reason I didn’t come home that night
the thing I didn’t tell my mother.
We all have a list of things and people we said we would never do.
I stuck to mine – until I met you.
Now for someone who cannot survive without a plan
I don’t know how you ended up in my life
without being on my to-do list.
I don’t remember when I started writing the things you said
before the verses I heard in my head.
I don’t remember when the sight of your name in my phone
gave me a better high than that magic in my uncle’s pipe
and maybe if he had loved someone like i love you
more than the feeling of being faded he would be here right now
let me try this again.
I remember clearly everything that happened.
They thought I was neglecting them but I just needed to
be with someone who knew how to hold me
who could treat me right
who had the stamina to stay up all night
Making my sleep-deprived nights worth the struggle.
I had to be with someone who wanted me…
funny thing to wish for.
You know the sky is full of stars and they will let you count them
if you have the patience, because everything is about patience.
For them the world’s a stage and every wish that reaches their
twinkling ears is applause for doing a good job of giving us hope.
I wanted to fuse the love I felt from so many places
using my lyrical wheel to mold a mortal man into the portrait I had seen in my dreams
but never touched with my hand.
You will always be that elusive myth people speak of
but never see. The kind that always shows up at the end of books and movies.
I am not a character and sometimes question the authorship of my life.
You are the one I glimpse in other men but never find whole.
I don’t think Santa thought I was good enough.
And the Easter bunny I definitely did not ask.
I prayed so many times for you,
perhaps I forgot to say amen.
Don’t really know what happened, what went wrong with me.
I just know that I’m in love with the thought of you
cause that is all you’ll ever be.
© 2012 Candace Howze